A Year, A Life – in Reflection

A Year, A Life – in Reflection

Martial arts has a Way about them. There is a humbleness and yet a power within them. But, the power is not one that is obtained; it is a power that is gifted from years of arduous training. Train soft to become strong; train slow to become quick; and use stillness to inspire smooth movement.

I remember back in 1982 when Mr. Suh promoted me to Master. It was exciting and scary at the same time. Was I worth it? Did I train hard enough? Am I old enough?My mind scrambled to make sense of it. I trusted my instructor; I knew I was well trained: and yet, I felt insufficient.

Time moved along its way. I kept my training program steadfast. My students were scared of me in those days! They talk about it today, some 30 years later. And yet, my name – it was Don. It was simple. Time passed. In 1993, a student revolt took place and demanded me to be called (and to reference myself) Master. It’s traditional in martial arts, the titles etc. But, not always comfortable for me, personally. I’m just a boy from Wyoming, I keep thinking.

With reluctance, I agreed to be called Master “D”. I enjoy that term today, frankly. But, my safe-haven of Master “D” only lasted a few years and once again, students demanded, by their actions, that I be referenced as Master Baird. I guess there is no big deal about it. But then, there is to me. There is a tradition of feeling unworthy of such a title; there is a tradition that one is not called “Master” until your teacher references you as such. In my case, because Grandmaster Suh (my teacher) retired, he never really thought about it much. I was ok with that!

I heard, eventually, through the vine that he referenced me as Master Baird and I began to feel more comfortable with it. But then, sometimes I was impatient or I would get angry at something, or do something that wasn’t loving. My reaction (to myself) would be one of #%$&*@ (expletives) as I felt I often fell short of being a true master. I was already a 7th in a Chinese Martial Art Association; I should be more than happy to be called at least a Master. But, I couldn’t live up to it, in my mind. The responsibility seemed impossible.

Time passed by. Master “D” worked well and eventually I adapted to Master Baird. The students won the war! Master Baird it was.

Down the line I heard that Grandmaster Suh was referencing me as Grandmaster Baird. That’s the first I heard of it! No formal promotion or notification. We had discussed it back in the 90s, but like I said, he was retired from martial arts (mostly) and we had no formal format of due process. Time would go by and I obtained more rank – indirectly mainly. 5th came, 6th came, and discussions of 7th were frequent. The promotion happened incidentally once again as he referenced me a Grandmaster long before I knew I was one! What a journey.

In a way, I never really cared though. I already was his appointed successor – took over his school in 1976 and have been teaching it full time ever since. I was him now, in a way, with the responsibilities of being the Grandmaster for many years – regardless of actual rank. In 2013, November, he passed on. The shock of that reality hit me hard. The day they buried him, I was in the hospital for a thalamic stroke (blood pressure spike while training with my black belts). Of all the things, I was not at my master’s funeral – nearly dying the same week that he did.

The second day home, I began training again. Basic moves, just three or four and then I had to rest. I was paralyzed. My right side was done for. The next day, I thought of Mr. Suh; I trained again. I walked. I trained basic forms, but just a few moves. I rested.

What does a Grandmaster do now? How can I continue? What do I have to offer? The questions. No answers.

I woke up. I trained a little bit more. And it went forward. I must live up to being the Grandmaster more than ever! Each day, a trial. Each day, a war to walk up my stairs. But, with the perseverance of Mr. Suh on my mind, I kept up the “good fight.”

Today, I’m doing pretty good. I can train almost normal. The moves, the energy, the body mechanics are back. The impossible journey has been travelled – I’m not paralyzed any longer.

And yet, I long to be called Master “D” … just a simple title that nearly acknowledges that I’m a person beyond Grandmaster Baird – that I’m alive as a person and yet respected as a 52 year veteran of martial arts (I began in 1962, Judo and Japanese grappling arts). How can we be a Grandmaster and a person in such a designed martial environment? And is it possible?

I wore my original black belt just one time. It has never been worn since. And yet, it fades as each day passes heading to white belt. And there lies the secret – my black belt is fading to white belt, one day at a time. I can to, then. The more advanced I have become, the more I emulate the white belts – to keep my skills clean and crisp and yet combined with the expressiveness of a Grandmaster and the position of being one.

In this world of martial arts, there is no return in some way; a white belt has become a Grandmaster. That’s how it works. But, in this Grandmaster, I emulate the white belt; I wake up every morning with a beginner’s spirit – I emulate that spirit. I shake out my limbs; I shake out my soul. I know nothing in some way, and I train, once again toward mastery. It is a long way off – mastery. It is a lifetime away though I’m 67 already. The journey is before me though and as a renewed beginner every day I awaken, I train to become a master once again, and again, and again.

One day, possibly on my grave, it will once again say Grandmaster Baird and I will echo, “Just Master ‘D’ please.”

For those students I’ve handled and taught well, thank you for your trust and efforts (many students over 15 years with me and some over 20 and 30). For those of you that I have let down, I bow to you and I train harder. That’s my recognition. That’s my acceptance of mastery and imperfection combined.

Peace and Blessings … and may this New Year be the BEST for us all.

Humbly yours,

Master “D”

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